Inner Decisions

Does saying it aloud make it Real?

“Nothing’s wrong. I’m just in a funk,” I answered. “No, I don’t want to talk about it. Everything will be fine. I just need some time.” I had lied, something was bothering me. I wasn’t sure how to put it into words, but I was sure that I didn’t want it to become worse by putting it into words. It was a vague thought that followed me around night and day. It invaded my dreams and colored all of my interactions. I was edgy, snippy, sad. I kept saying to myself that it was all going to be okay, even though I knew it wasn’t.

When I’m struggling, I don’t feel like I can trust anyone or anywhere. My years of turmoil and trauma as a kid grab me by the ankles and pull me into the shadows where I’m lost and alone . . . again. The feeling conjures up the ridicule and shame I wore then. I become my Inadequate Self. I distrust my own thoughts and all the decisions I’ve ever made. I’m lost and abandoned in the darkness of my past.

I grow restless and angry. I want to run, quit, hide. If I disappear then I won’t have to feel at all. I find myself hurting others, probably in an effort to make my hurting stop, or at least to share the burden. Perhaps if you feel like I feel then I won’t be alone.

However, the truth of the matter, the reality of it all is that when something happens, something disagreeable or something really bad, talking about it doesn’t make it more real. The event or the thing has already happened, it exists, and remaining silent can’t make it less real. It will not disappear. Magical thinking is a leftover idea from our early childhood. While childhood play taught us that if we hid from reality we could disappear, as adults we must face our reality eventually. But how?

Talking about the event or situation in a safe place with a trusted person can, indeed, reduce the horror of it all. Yet, when we feel this bad where is a safe place? Who is a trusted person? When I’m feeling this way if I can’t even trust myself how am I going to trust another person?

Trust is such a big issue.

It all goes to trust.

Where and with whom can I trust myself to open to my vulnerability, bleed out my secret pain, and receive understanding and perhaps absolution? Where is the judgment-free zone? If you tell me about yours maybe I can find mine.

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